Why You Can’t Trust a “Yes” Until You’ve Heard Their “No”

Dasha
May 26
3 min read

There was a time in my life when I said “yes” far too often — not because I meant it, but because I didn’t know how to say “no.”

I was a chronic people pleaser.

On the surface, I seemed agreeable, flexible, even easygoing. But underneath that facade was a silent storm of resentment, burnout, and disconnection from my own desires.

And I’ve learned this truth the hard way:

You can only trust someone’s yes when you know they’re also capable of saying no.

The Hidden Cost of People Pleasing

It might sound harmless:

“Sure, I’m vegan — but I’m totally fine going to the steakhouse.”

“Yeah, let’s go to the beach,” (even though I was dreaming of a quiet hike in the woods).

What seems like kindness on the surface is often self-abandonment underneath.

The danger? Over time, those small betrayals of self begin to pile up. And what follows isn’t connection or harmony — it’s resentment. And where there is resentment, there is often passive aggression, emotional withdrawal, or even explosive anger later on.

This is the shadow side of being agreeable: People say yes when they mean no. And eventually, the relationship suffers for it.

Authenticity Is the Foundation of Trust

Whether it’s a romantic partner, a close friend, or even a colleague, if someone can’t express their honest “no,” how can you trust their “yes”?

It’s only when we know someone is able to say:

“No, I’d actually rather not.”That doesn’t work for me.”Here’s what I’d prefer…”

That we can fully trust it when they do say:

“Yes, I’d love to.”That sounds great.”I’m happy to go along with that.”

Because in those moments, their “yes” is not compliance — it’s a choice.

It’s not driven by fear, guilt, or the need to be liked. It’s driven by alignment, self-respect, and conscious compromise.

How to Recognize the People Pleasing Pattern

You might be a people pleaser if:

You regularly say yes to avoid conflict, even when you disagree
You worry others will be disappointed or upset if you speak your truth
You feel secretly resentful when others “get their way.”
You rarely express your preferences or desires
You find yourself drained in relationships that should feel nourishing

And if you’re in a relationship with a people pleaser, you might notice:

They always go along with your plans, but seem withdrawn or “off” afterward
You feel unsure if their agreement is genuine
You constantly check in — “Are you sure this is okay?”
There’s a lack of depth or honesty in your dynamic

From People Pleasing to Empowered Relationships

The solution? Start practicing truth-telling, even in small ways.

It might sound like:

“I’d rather not do that today.”I’m feeling overwhelmed — can I take a raincheck?”That doesn’t feel aligned for me. Here’s what I need instead.”

When you express your “no” with honesty and grace, you invite others to do the same. That’s how we build real trust — the kind that can weather hard conversations and deepen connection.